Hello Inspires
We need to talk about something uncomfortable today. It’s a Saturday, a day usually reserved for social gatherings, brunch dates, and catching up with the crew. But I want you to pause for a second and check in with your gut.
When you saw that notification pop up on your phone from that specific friend this morning, what was your immediate physical reaction?
Did you smile? Or did your stomach tighten just a little bit?
For years, I carried around a friendship that felt like a heavy backpack I couldn’t put down. We had been friends since high school. We knew each other’s parents, our embarrassing prom stories, and our deepest secrets. But every time we hung out in my late twenties, I left feeling exhausted. I felt small. I felt like I had to apologize for my ambition because it made her uncomfortable.
I was suffering from the "sunk cost fallacy" of friendship—the idea that because we had invested so much time into the bond, we had to keep investing, even if the returns were bankrupting my peace of mind.
If you are reading this, chances are you are evolving. You are working on your mindset, your career, or your emotional health. And the hardest part of personal growth isn’t the work you do on yourself; it’s realizing that the people around you might not be coming with you.
Today, let’s deep dive into the psychology of your inner circle, how to spot the "ambivalent friends" who are secretly draining you, and exactly how to curate your life to make room for the people who actually get the new you.
The Hidden Danger of "Ambivalent" Friendships
We often think friendships fall into two buckets: besties or enemies. But there is a gray zone in the middle that psychologists call "ambivalent relationships," and they are actually more dangerous to your health than straight-up toxic people.
An ambivalent friend is the "frenemy." They are the person who cheers for you one day but makes a snide, passive-aggressive comment about your new job the next. They are the ones who love you, but also seem to compete with you.
Studies have actually shown that these relationships can raise your blood pressure and anxiety levels more than a clear-cut enemy does. Why? Because of the unpredictability. You are constantly walking on eggshells, waiting for the other shoe to drop. You never know which version of them you’re going to get.
I remember reading a quote by Steve Maraboli that hit me hard during my own friendship breakup: "One of life’s challenging realizations is that sometimes you outgrow your friends."
It doesn’t mean they are bad people. It doesn’t mean you are better than them. It just means your frequencies are no longer matching up. And staying in that static causes interference that stops you from hearing your own intuition.
Here are ten subtle, often unspoken signs that your current circle might be stunting your growth.
1. The "Good Old Days" Are the Only Glue
Take a look at your last three conversations. What were they about?
If 90% of your dialogue is "Remember when we did that in 2015?" or "Remember that guy we used to know?", you might be in a friendship based on history, not connection.
Nostalgia is a beautiful place to visit, but you cannot live there. I found myself in this trap often. We would laugh hysterically about high school, but the moment I brought up my current struggles with my business or my new interest in meditation, the conversation hit a wall. Their eyes would glaze over.
If you stripped away the past, would you actually be friends with this person today? If you met them at a coffee shop right now, as the person you are today, would you exchange numbers?
If the answer is no, you are holding onto a ghost, not a friend. You are maintaining a museum of who you used to be, and spending too much time there prevents you from renovating your future.
2. The Energy Hangover
This is the most reliable metric you have. Your body knows the truth before your brain is willing to admit it.
Pay attention to how you feel the moment you walk away from hanging out with them. Do you feel energized, inspired, and lighter? Or do you feel like you need a nap and a stiff drink?
I call this the "Energy Hangover."
There was a time in my life when I would schedule "recovery time" after seeing a specific group of friends. I would literally block out two hours to just sit in silence because their drama, their complaining, and their chaotic energy drained my battery to 0%.
Real connection is supposed to be a charging station. Even if you are navigating hard times together, a healthy dynamic should leave you feeling supported, not depleted. If you feel like you’ve just run a marathon after a coffee date, that is your soul telling you that the cost of admission to this circle is too high.
3. The Silence of the Wins
This one hurts the most, but it reveals the most.
Watch what happens when you share good news. You got the promotion. You met a great new partner. You hit a fitness milestone.
Does their face light up immediately? Do they ask follow-up questions?
Or is there a micro-second of hesitation? A lukewarm "That’s cool," followed immediately by a pivot back to their own problems?
Brene Brown talks about the importance of having friends who can "hold space" for your joy. It is actually easier to find people who will cry with you when you are down than it is to find people who will cheer for you when you are up.
Misery loves company, but success requires security.
If your friends make you feel guilty for winning, or if they minimize your achievements because it highlights their own stagnation, they are anchoring you down. You start subconsciously shrinking yourself to fit into the room. You stop sharing your wins to protect their feelings.
And the moment you dim your light to make your friends comfortable, you have officially outgrown the room.
4. The "You’ve Changed" Accusation
"You’re so different now."
"You used to be so much fun."
"You’re too bougie for us now."
Have you heard these lines? They are often said as jokes, but they carry a heavy undertone of manipulation.
When I started prioritizing my sleep and stopped going out drinking every Friday, my circle didn't applaud my health journey. They mocked it. They took my personal boundary as a personal rejection of them.
Here is the truth: "You’ve changed" should be a compliment. The whole point of life is to change, to evolve, to learn, and to become a better version of yourself.
If your friends use your growth as an insult, it is because your change forces them to look at their own lack of it. They want the old you because the old you fit into their puzzle. The new you has edges that don't fit, and instead of reshaping their own lives, they try to hammer you back into the old shape.
Don't let them.
5. The Crisis Addiction
We all have moments of crisis. That’s life. But we all know that one person who is always in a crisis.
Every week it is a new drama with a coworker, a new breakup, a new family feud. And they need you to fix it.
You become the unpaid therapist. You listen for hours, you offer thoughtful advice, you help them draft the text messages. They nod, agree, and then... do the exact opposite. And next week, they are back with the same problem.
This is a one-way street.
Relationships are based on reciprocity. It doesn't have to be 50/50 every single day, but over the course of a year, it should balance out.
If you are the "strong one" who is always holding the bucket for everyone else’s tears, but the room clears out when you need to vent, you are not in a friendship. You are in a service role. And you are likely using their crises to distract yourself from your own life goals.
6. You Filter Your Words
Do you find yourself mentally rehearsing what you are going to say before you say it?
Do you edit your opinions on politics, money, or life goals because you know it will trigger a debate or a judgmental look?
I used to have a friend who was incredibly critical. She prided herself on being "brutally honest," but she was mostly just brutal. I found myself hiding my new hobbies from her because I didn't want to hear her sarcastic take on them.
When you cannot bring your authentic self to the table, you are starving.
True belonging, as Brene Brown says, is being accepted for who you are, not for who you pretend to be. If you have to chop off parts of your personality to fit into the group, you are engaging in self-betrayal.
The mental energy you spend filtering your words is energy you could be using to write your book, build your business, or love your family.
7. The Relief of Cancellation
Be honest with me. When you see a text that says, "Hey, so sorry, I can’t make it tonight, something came up," what is your reaction?
Is it disappointment? Or is it a wave of sweet, sweet relief?
If you feel like a prisoner who just got a pardon from the governor, that is a massive red flag.
We often schedule plans out of obligation. We say yes because we "should." But if you are secretly hoping for a cancellation every time you make plans, your subconscious is screaming at you.
Your free time is your most valuable asset. It is the only non-renewable resource you have. Spending it with people who you are relieved to avoid is a tragic misuse of your life.
8. They Don't Ask Questions
I once went to a dinner with a friend I hadn't seen in three months. We sat there for two hours. She told me about her job, her boyfriend, her dog, and her apartment issues.
She didn't ask me a single question until the bill came. And the question was, "Are we splitting this?"
It sounds harsh, but conversational narcissism is real.
Some people use friends as an audience. They just want a warm body to witness their monologue.
In a high-value friendship, there is curiosity. They want to know what you think, how you feel, and what you are dreaming about. If you feel invisible in the presence of your friends, it is time to reappear somewhere else.
9. Your Core Values Have Diverged
This is the deepest and hardest sign to spot because it happens slowly.
Maybe ten years ago, you both valued partying and spontaneity. But now, you value stability, integrity, and mindfulness, while they still value chaos and gossip.
It is really hard to maintain a deep connection with someone who doesn't respect your fundamental view of the world.
I remember realizing I couldn't be close with a specific group anymore because their primary form of bonding was judging other people. We would sit around and tear apart people on Instagram.
As I started working on my own mindset, this began to feel gross. I wanted to talk about ideas, not people. I wanted to talk about the future, not the past.
When your values clash, you will constantly feel a friction in your soul. You will feel dirty after hanging out with them. Trust that feeling.
10. You Feel Lonely When You Are With Them
This is the ultimate paradox.
The American Psychiatric Association released a poll recently showing that one in three adults feels lonely every week. But the saddest statistic isn't the people who are alone; it's the people who are surrounded by "friends" and still feel isolated.
Loneliness isn't the absence of people. It is the absence of understanding.
Sitting at a table with five people who don't really know you, who don't really see you, and who don't really care to learn about the current you, is a profound kind of loneliness.
If you leave social gatherings feeling emptier than when you arrived, your circle is a mirage. It looks like water, but it won’t quench your thirst.
How to Curate Your Circle (Without Being a Jerk)
Okay, so you’ve read the list. You’ve identified a few people who fit the description. Your stomach is in knots because you are a nice person. You don’t want to hurt anyone. You don’t want to be the "bad guy."
So, how do you actually do this? How do you let go?
1. The "Quiet Quitting" of Friendship
Not every friendship needs a dramatic breakup text or a sit-down confrontation. Most of the time, the kindest way to shift the dynamic is simply to stop rowing the boat.
Match their energy. If they don't text, don't text. If they don't make plans, don't make plans.
Stop over-functioning. Stop being the one who keeps the balloon in the air. You will be amazed at how quickly some friendships dissolve when you stop doing all the work. This is natural selection. Let it happen.
2. The "Priority Shift" Script
Sometimes, you need to say no to invitations. You don't need to lie and say you are busy with work. You can just be honest about your capacity.
- Script: "Hey! Thanks so much for the invite. I’ve been really introspective lately and focusing on some personal downtime, so I’m going to pass on hanging out for a bit. Hope you guys have a blast!"
You aren't rejecting them; you are choosing you.
3. The "Hard Conversation" (For Close Friends)
If this is a close friend who is hurting you, they deserve clarity. This is terrifying, I know. But clear is kind.
- Script: "I value our history so much, but lately I’ve been feeling like our dynamic has shifted. I leave our hangouts feeling a bit drained/unheard, and I need to take a step back to figure out what I need right now. I don't want to fake it, because that’s not fair to you."
4. Grieving is Mandatory
This is the part nobody talks about. You will grieve.
Even if the friendship was toxic, you will miss them. You will miss the inside jokes. You will miss the comfort of the familiar.
Allow yourself to be sad. It is a loss. But remember, when you prune a plant, it looks barren for a little while. It looks scary. But that pruning is the only way new growth can happen.
The Vacuum Law of Prosperity
There is a concept called the Vacuum Law of Prosperity. It states that nature abhors a vacuum. If you create empty space, the universe will rush to fill it.
If your life is cluttered with ambivalent, draining, or stagnant friendships, there is literally no room for the new tribe to enter.
You are signaling to the world that you are "fully booked."
When I finally let go of that high school group, I spent about six months feeling pretty lonely. It was Saturday nights alone. It was quiet.
But then, slowly, I started meeting people at my yoga class. I met someone at a seminar. I reconnected with a cousin who was on a similar path.
Suddenly, I built a circle of women who asked me about my goals. Who celebrated my wins. Who called me out on my nonsense with love, not judgment.
I wouldn't have met them if I was still busy nursing the old wounds of the past.
Your Saturday Challenge
So, here is my challenge to you for this weekend.
Look at your phone. Look at your calendar.
Identify one relationship that is purely an energy drain. You don't have to block them today. You don't have to start a fight.
But make a promise to yourself: I will no longer set myself on fire to keep them warm.
Reclaim your energy. Reclaim your Saturday.
You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with. If you look around and don't see the future you want, it’s time to change the room.
Would you like me to help you draft a specific text message to set a boundary with a friend you've been avoiding? Let me know, and we can script it together.
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