Hello Inspirers, let’s be honest, the word “feedback” can send a shiver down your spine. It often conjures images of awkward performance reviews, tense conversations, or that dreaded phrase, “Can I give you some feedback?” For the longest time, I viewed feedback as a necessary evil, a bitter pill to swallow for the sake of “professional development.”
My palms would get sweaty, my heart would race, and I’d brace myself for the inevitable blow to my ego. On the flip side, giving feedback felt just as daunting. I’d either sugarcoat my words into a confusing mess or, in my attempt to be direct, come across as harsh and critical. It was a lose-lose situation.
It took me a while to realize that feedback isn't a weapon to be wielded or a storm to be weathered. It's a gift. A messy, sometimes uncomfortable, but ultimately invaluable gift. It’s the secret sauce to growth, the compass that points us toward improvement, and the bridge that connects us to our colleagues and collaborators on a deeper level. But like any powerful tool, it requires skill and grace to use effectively.
I remember one particularly cringe-worthy experience from early in my career. A senior colleague, let’s call him Bob, had a habit of, well, being Bob. He was brilliant, but his communication style was…abrasive. One day, after a team meeting where I had presented, he pulled me aside and said, “That was a disaster. You were all over the place.” And that was it. No explanation, no specifics, just a verbal grenade tossed in my direction. I was crushed. For days, I replayed his words in my head, my confidence shattered. The irony? He was probably right. I was all over the place. But his delivery was so poor that the message was lost in a sea of hurt feelings.
That experience, as painful as it was, taught me a crucial lesson: how you say something is just as important as what you say. It set me on a path to understand the delicate art of feedback – both giving and receiving it with grace.
The Gentle Art of Giving Feedback That Actually Helps
Giving feedback, especially when it’s constructive, can feel like walking a tightrope. You want to be honest and clear, but you don’t want to be the reason someone is having a bad day (or week). The key, I’ve learned, is to approach it with a genuine desire to help the other person succeed. As organizational psychologist Adam Grant puts it, “Being polite is withholding feedback to make someone feel good today. Being kind is being candid about how they can get better tomorrow.”
So, how do you do that? It starts with creating a sense of psychological safety. Feedback should never feel like an ambush. Instead of the dreaded, “Can I give you some feedback?” which immediately puts people on the defensive, try a more collaborative approach. Something like, “I have a few thoughts on your presentation, would you be open to hearing them?” or “I noticed something in the report and wanted to get your perspective on it.” This simple shift in language transforms the interaction from a monologue into a dialogue.
Once you have their buy-in, be specific. Vague feedback is useless. Bob’s “you were all over the place” was unhelpful because I didn’t know what to fix. A better approach would have been, “I noticed that in the first half of your presentation, you jumped between three different topics. It might be more impactful if you dedicated a separate slide to each one to give the audience time to digest the information.” See the difference? The second example focuses on the behavior and offers a concrete suggestion for improvement.
It's also crucial to focus on the behavior, not the person. Instead of saying, “You’re so disorganized,” try, “I noticed that a few deadlines were missed on this project. Let’s talk about how we can better manage the workflow.” This separates the person’s identity from the issue at hand, making it less of a personal attack and more of a problem-solving conversation. Kim Scott, the author of "Radical Candor," emphasizes the importance of caring personally while challenging directly. It’s about showing you’re invested in the person’s growth, not just pointing out their flaws.
And finally, always offer support. Feedback should be a two-way street. After sharing your thoughts, ask questions like, “What are your thoughts on that?” or “How can I support you in making these changes?” This reinforces that you’re in it together, that you’re a partner in their development, not just a critic.
Taking It on the Chin: How to Receive Feedback Without Falling Apart
Receiving feedback, especially when it’s unexpected, can feel like a punch to the gut. Our natural inclination is to get defensive, to explain away the criticism, or to shut down completely. I’ve been there more times than I can count. My face gets hot, my mind races to find a rebuttal, and my ego screams, “They’re wrong!”
But as the brilliant Brené Brown says, “If you are not in the arena, getting your ass kicked on occasion because you were being brave, I am not interested in or open to your feedback about my work.” The truth is, the people who are willing to give you honest feedback are often the ones who care the most. They’re in the arena with you, and their perspective is a gift.
So, how do we learn to unwrap this gift gracefully, even when it’s not what we want to hear? The first step is to breathe. Seriously. When you feel that initial surge of defensiveness, take a deep breath. This simple act can create a small pause between the trigger and your reaction, giving you a moment to choose a more thoughtful response.
Next, listen to understand, not to respond. This is a game-changer. Our default is to listen while formulating our defense. Instead, try to genuinely hear what the other person is saying. As Sheila Heen, co-author of "Difficult Conversations," suggests, shift your mindset from "I have to decide whether I agree or disagree" to "before I decide, let me just understand it." Ask clarifying questions like, “Can you give me an example of what you mean?” or “Can you tell me more about the impact that had?” This not only gives you more information to work with, but it also shows the other person that you’re taking their feedback seriously.
It’s also helpful to remember that feedback is data, not a definitive truth. You don’t have to agree with everything you hear. However, even if you disagree, there’s often a kernel of truth to be found. Instead of getting caught up in the details of whether they’re “right” or “wrong,” try to understand their perspective. What led them to that conclusion? What can you learn from how your actions were perceived?
And finally, always say thank you. Thanking someone for giving you feedback, even if it was hard to hear, is incredibly powerful. It acknowledges their courage and their investment in you. It also encourages them to be honest with you in the future. A simple, “Thank you for sharing that with me. I appreciate you taking the time to do so,” can go a long way in strengthening your relationship.
The Feedback Loop: A Continuous Journey of Growth
Mastering the art of feedback isn't a one-time thing. It’s a continuous practice, a commitment to open communication and mutual growth. It’s about creating a culture where feedback is not a dreaded event, but a normal, and even welcome, part of our interactions. As author Ken Blanchard says, "Feedback is the breakfast of champions." It’s the nourishment we need to get better, stronger, and more effective in everything we do.
So, the next time you find yourself on the feedback tightrope, whether you’re the one giving it or the one receiving it, remember to approach it with curiosity, courage, and a whole lot of grace. It might not always be easy, but I promise you, it will always be worth it.
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