It’s a bright Monday morning here in Kumasi, and the warmth in the air feels like a gentle hug. It got me thinking about the warmth we try to cultivate in our relationships, the kind that lasts through seasons of disagreement and misunderstanding.
We've all seen them—the couples who seem to have it all figured out. They laugh easily, hold hands without thinking, and navigate life with a sense of shared peace. We often chalk it up to "perfect chemistry" or "finding the one."
But I’ve learned—through my own stumbles and triumphs in love—that the secret isn't about never fighting. It's not about being perfect.
The real, unsexy, and profoundly powerful secret to a long and happy relationship is a little word that carries a mountain of weight: forgiveness.
The Relationship Scoreboard: A Game No One Wins
Do you ever find yourself mentally keeping score?
He forgot to take out the bins... again. (That’s a point for my side).
She was half an hour late for our date night. (Okay, I’m definitely "winning" this week's argument).
I’ve been there. In the early days of a serious relationship, I had a mental spreadsheet of every slight, every forgotten promise, every time I felt I was putting in more effort. I thought it was my shield, my evidence for the next time we disagreed. "See? You did this on Tuesday!"
But keeping score doesn't protect you. It builds a wall, brick by resentful brick. Every point you add to your column is another chip out of the foundation of your trust and intimacy. You stop being partners and start being opponents in a game where the only prize is bitterness.
This isn't love; it's an audit. And it's exhausting.
What We Get Wrong About Forgiveness
Let's clear the air on something crucial. Forgiveness has a serious PR problem.
We often think forgiveness means saying, "What you did was okay." We see it as rolling over, letting someone get away with hurting us, or pretending the incident never happened. We see it as weakness.
But that couldn't be further from the truth.
Forgiveness isn't about them. It's about you. It's the conscious, powerful decision to let go of your right to get even. It’s untying the anchor of resentment that’s been holding you down in the murky waters of the past.
As the late, great Archbishop Desmond Tutu said, "Forgiving is not forgetting; it's actually remembering--remembering and not using your right to hit back. It's a second chance for a new beginning."
Forgiveness isn't forgetting the hurt; it's choosing not to let that hurt define your future. It’s an act of emotional liberation.
The Poison We Drink, Hoping Someone Else Suffers
Holding onto a grudge is one of the most draining things we can do. It seeps into everything. You wake up with it, you carry it through your day, and it sits beside you at the dinner table, making everything taste a little less sweet.
It's that low-level hum of irritation that turns a simple question like, "What do you want for dinner?" into the start of World War III.
Brené Brown, a researcher who has spent her life studying vulnerability and courage, captures this perfectly. While the exact quote is often paraphrased, the sentiment is pure gold: holding onto resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.
You’re the only one getting sick.
When we refuse to forgive our partner, we are actively choosing to marinate in negative emotions. Stress hormones like cortisol flood our system. We feel tense, anxious, and disconnected. We are literally hurting ourselves in the hope that the other person feels our pain.
They might feel it, but you’re feeling it ten times over. Forgiveness is the antidote you take for yourself.
So, How Do We Actually Do It?
Okay, so we know we should forgive. But how do you do it when you’re still feeling the sting of being let down or misunderstood? It’s not a switch you can just flip. It’s a practice, a muscle you have to build.
It starts with acknowledging the pain. Don't skip this step. You have to be honest with yourself and your partner. "When you said that, it really hurt me," or "I felt invisible when you made that decision without me." Voicing the hurt is the first step to healing it. You can't forgive a wound you pretend doesn't exist.
Next comes a quiet, internal decision. You have to choose to let it go. This choice isn’t for them. It’s for you. It’s you saying, "I value my peace and the health of this relationship more than I value being 'right' about this issue." It's a gift you give yourself first.
Then, try to step into their shoes, just for a moment. This is the empathy part. It’s not about excusing their behavior, but about understanding it. Were they stressed from work? Are they insecure about something? Did they act out of a place of their own pain? Seeing their humanity, even in their mistakes, softens the sharp edges of our anger.
The renowned relationship expert Dr. John Gottman calls moments of reconnection after a conflict "repair attempts." This is the bridge back to each other. Forgiveness is the ultimate repair attempt. It can be as simple as saying, "I was hurt, but I forgive you. Let's move on." It can be a hug, a shared cup of tea, or a simple squeeze of the hand that says, "We're okay."
The Other Side of the Coin: Forgiving Yourself
There's another person in this equation who desperately needs your forgiveness: you.
We are all gloriously imperfect. You will be the one who forgets. You will be the one who says the wrong thing. You will be the one who needs forgiveness.
If you can't forgive yourself for your mistakes, you'll live in a constant state of shame, always feeling like you have to overcompensate. This creates an imbalance where you either feel you don't deserve forgiveness from your partner or you become overly critical of them to deflect from your own feelings of inadequacy.
Learning to say, "I messed up, I am truly sorry, and I forgive myself for being human," is just as critical. A healthy relationship is built by two whole people, not two people trying to punish themselves or each other for past mistakes.
A Practice, Not a Destination
Forgiveness isn't a one-time transaction. In a long-term relationship, it’s a subscription service. You will have to do it again and again, for big things and for infinitesimally small things.
You'll have to forgive them for leaving their wet towel on the bed, and you'll have to forgive them for more serious breaches of trust. Each act of forgiveness strengthens the muscle, making the next one a little bit easier.
It’s the daily decision to choose connection over correction. It’s choosing to see the person you love instead of the mistake they just made. It's the quiet, consistent work that transforms a relationship from a fragile contract into an unbreakable bond.
It's the secret ingredient, hiding in plain sight. It’s not as glamorous as whirlwind romance or grand gestures, but it's what makes love last a lifetime.
What about you? How has forgiveness (or the lack of it) shaped your relationships? Share your thoughts in the comments below—I'd love to hear your story.
Comments
Post a Comment